Monday, August 16, 2010

Barley, Hops, Yeast and Water

I was channel surfing a while back and happened across one of those "World's Greatest and Most Extreme" hour-long waste-of-time programs on the Learn and Discover Channel.  In the brief moment I rested my finger between button pushes there flashed an image of a few beautiful people in a swimming pool filled with beer.  One of the guys was saying in a foreign accent, "What can be better than swimming in beer?  All we have to do is dip the glass in the pool!" and the bikini-clad girls giggled.

Not only is such a thing utterly disgusting, I dare say it verges on sacrilege (akin to what we meant when in college we used to say, "alcohol abuse").  Furthermore, I can name countless things that are in fact better than swimming in beer. Like drinking a beer during a shower, for one.

Don't look at me like that.  This is serious business.

My old roommate Nick introduced me to this great pleasure of life, though the exact scenario is a bit hazy.  I believe he had been doing some manual labor all day and, prior to Sunday Dinner, headed into the bathroom, beer in hand.

First of all, though cumbersome, I usually refer to this activity as “having a beer in the shower” or “showering with a beer” because to unfamiliar ears the term “beer shower” could be misunderstood as “showering using beer” (which would be as bad as swimming in it).  That being said, here I will use “beer shower” for brevity's sake.

If you have never drunk a beer in the shower, you have never lived life.  The warmth of the water and the coldness of the beer makes for a pleasant contrast.  A beer shower is an excellent way to cap off a hot summer's day or unwind and relieve stress. 

Two things should be taken for granted (though to be thorough I will state them anyway):
  • You should be legally capable of drinking alcohol.
  • You should be drinking beer from glass bottles.  No good beer comes in aluminum cans.

And while "drinking a beer in the shower" may seem self-explanatory, there are a few things to consider for a pleasurable experience:
  • Crack open the beer in the kitchen.  Drink a bit before the shower and save some for when you've toweled off afterward.  This is a experience to be prolonged and savored.
  • The bottle should be placed where no soap lather can splash inside.
  • Keep the bottle within reach.  I find the shampoo caddy hanging from the shower head to be ideal.  If all else fails, I suppose you could set it on the toilet tank, but reaching in and out through the curtain would be somewhat inconvenient, and inconvenience has no place in a beer shower.
  • Also, I do not recommend shaving your face afterward.  Doing so is just asking for trouble.  I have to assume the same goes for shaving one's legs.
  • Finally, a beer shower is a luxury, and as such should be enjoyed sparingly and with extraordinary gratitude.